Esquire Theme by Matthew Buchanan

29

May

26

Mar

This is not the first time “Professor” Dawkins has taken notice of my lonely crusade.
cap courtesy @violentfanon

23

Mar

Mantra for MRAs

first they laugh at you,

then they continue laughing at you,

then they stop laughing for a minute to catch their breath,

then they resume laughing at you,

at some point they’ll stop laughing,

right?

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14

Mar

04

Mar

I Want To Go To Your Office Christmas Party: A Kraigslist Kristmas Klassic

Last Christmas I was feeling lonely, so I posted this ad on the Event Gigs section of Craigslist.

CL >new york >brooklyn >all gigs >event gigs

I Want To Go To Your Office Christmas Party (An office)

Hello,

I’m Virgil, and I’m a Brooklyn resident. This time of year is always difficult for me, since I do not work in an office and thus do not get to attend an office Christmas party.

I have always dreamt of working in an office. Sitting in a big comfy chair, seeing the same friendly faces every day, gabbing with the office gossip about who’s sleeping with whom, engaging in the cutthroat chess game of office politics — these are just some of the great and carefree experiences I will never get to have. Yet towering above them all is that wonderful yearly tradition of the office Christmas party, an event where everyone can let their hair down and kick back with a few drinks and holiday cheer. What truths will be told? What illicit romances will take place? What mysteries will be revealed?

I have considered applying for an office job just so I can attend a Christmas party, but, as you probably know, the economy isn’t great for malcontents right now. That’s why I am asking you, a stranger, to invite me to your office party.

I will be a great office party guest. I will gladly and with ease discuss business-related matters with your co-workers: spreadsheets, industry trends, the stock market, the bulls, the bears, all of it. I will charm your boss with my sparkling wit and enthusiasm for employment. Your co-workers will begin to see you in a new light. They’ll ask, “Hey, who is that great guy with his enthusiasm for our office parties? Does he work here?” and you’ll be able to say with confidence, “No, he’s from the internet.”

You are probably apprehensive about inviting a total stranger to your office holiday party. What if he embarrasses you and causes you to miss out on the Big Promotion? Let me put your mind at ease with the following pledges I make to you:

* I have read several articles on CareerBuilder about the “do’s and don’t’s” of office holiday parties. I pledge to follow the do’s and avoid the don’t’s. For example, I will not make whoopee in the copy room. This is a major career killer, and I am seeking to emulate the career builders.

* I will not seduce your co-workers without your express permission. I cannot, however, guarantee they will not seduce me. That’s for you and them to work out.

* I will not use this opportunity to try to get a job. That would be crass. If your boss wants to offer me a job, that’s fine, but I’m not interested in an Office Job Fair, I’m interested in an Office Party. Partying in an office setting is Job One as far as I’m concerned. 

* I have seen every holiday party episode of “The Office,” but I am willing to re-watch them to bone up on ideal office party behavior. But you have to provide the Netflix account.

* I will not drink too much. I intend to measure my drinking rate to match the median level of inebriation.

* I will not do drugs with any of your colleagues, unless they’re cool.

* I will not overstay my welcome. If I’m not making a great impression, I will promptly leave, no questions asked. If things are winding down, I’m not going to be “that guy” still sticking around. Also, if the party sucks, I’ll bounce.

* If there is a gift exchange, I will participate if invited to. I will bring a tasteful gift that abides by all applicable rules regarding monetary value. If I am not invited to participate, I will not try to finagle my way in. Just going to your office party is the only gift I’ll need.

Ideally, your office party will take place in an office in Manhattan or Brooklyn. I am not picky about what business your office conducts. Maybe it’s a publishing company that invites people into the magical world of reading. Maybe it’s a nonprofit. Maybe it’s a marketing firm. Maybe it’s one of the other things that I assume offices do. Bottom line: as long as it’s a party that takes place in an office, I’m there.

So what are you waiting for? Take that leap of faith and give me my “big break.” My schedule is pretty free next week. Wednesday night is out, but other than that I’m good.

  • do NOT contact me with unsolicited services or offers

24

Feb

I have been invited to play in a poker tournament for Bitcoin bloggers. This is simply more evidence that I am a well-respected thoughtleader in the Bitcoin bloggersphere. However, in order to claim my seat, I need to actually write a blog post about Bitcoins. So, here goes nothing:
New “Internet Money” BitCoin Takes The Cybersphere By Storm
Move over, Yen, because there’s a new currency in town! They’re called “BitCoins” (short for “Bite-Sized Coinage”), and unlike dollars or precious gemstones, they exist on the internet, just like many of your favorite websites.
Whereas dollars are made up of paper and ink and dead President, BitCoins are made up of computer “code,” which is the language that computers use to talk to each other. Unlike worthless fiat currency, which the government just prints and backs with nothing, BitCoins are created out of thin air by computers and are probably worth millions of dollars.
Stored in virtual wallets that you can buy at Macy’s, BitCoins can be easily transferred via co-axial cable, making them extremely useful for e-commerce purchases. Indeed, an entire BitCoin economy has sprung up. Today, a BitCoin user can purchase a BitCoin mining rig, a t-shirt that says “I Am A BitCoin Enthusiast” on it, and custom erotic fanart without ever having to use real money.
Even though they’re a virtual currency, BitCoins are popping up all over the physical world too. Just last week, the first garbage can that accepts BitCoins was erected in Vancouver, Canada. And in Houston, TX, charitable Libertarians donated over 10,000 BitCoins to the city in exchange for ending a free lunch program for children of single mothers.
With a current value of 17 cents per coin, clearly the sky’s the limit for BitCoins. Or as BitCoin enthusiasts on Reddit, a nonconsensual voyeurism website, are fond of saying, “We are going to go increase in price!” Happy BitCoining!
- Virgil Texas, Well-Known BitCoin Blogger

I have been invited to play in a poker tournament for Bitcoin bloggers. This is simply more evidence that I am a well-respected thoughtleader in the Bitcoin bloggersphere. However, in order to claim my seat, I need to actually write a blog post about Bitcoins. So, here goes nothing:

New “Internet Money” BitCoin Takes The Cybersphere By Storm

Move over, Yen, because there’s a new currency in town! They’re called “BitCoins” (short for “Bite-Sized Coinage”), and unlike dollars or precious gemstones, they exist on the internet, just like many of your favorite websites.

Whereas dollars are made up of paper and ink and dead President, BitCoins are made up of computer “code,” which is the language that computers use to talk to each other. Unlike worthless fiat currency, which the government just prints and backs with nothing, BitCoins are created out of thin air by computers and are probably worth millions of dollars.

Stored in virtual wallets that you can buy at Macy’s, BitCoins can be easily transferred via co-axial cable, making them extremely useful for e-commerce purchases. Indeed, an entire BitCoin economy has sprung up. Today, a BitCoin user can purchase a BitCoin mining rig, a t-shirt that says “I Am A BitCoin Enthusiast” on it, and custom erotic fanart without ever having to use real money.

Even though they’re a virtual currency, BitCoins are popping up all over the physical world too. Just last week, the first garbage can that accepts BitCoins was erected in Vancouver, Canada. And in Houston, TX, charitable Libertarians donated over 10,000 BitCoins to the city in exchange for ending a free lunch program for children of single mothers.

With a current value of 17 cents per coin, clearly the sky’s the limit for BitCoins. Or as BitCoin enthusiasts on Reddit, a nonconsensual voyeurism website, are fond of saying, “We are going to go increase in price!” Happy BitCoining!

- Virgil Texas, Well-Known BitCoin Blogger

20

Feb

Contently is a website that lets you make portfolios of your published work. That’s it, that’s all they do. They were given $15 million in venture capital to do that, because money isn’t real. Here’s my Contently portfolio. It is probably the only good one.

Contently apparently spent that money on sending me horrible emails that look like this:

They also hired a “Community Manager” whose job is to unsubscribe me to these emails then apologize for them after I reply with “fuck off” to each one. Sensing an opportunity to get in on that Contently scrilla, I helpfully offered my services to fix their boring bad emails.

03

Feb

28

Jan

Macklemore Isn’t A 9/11 Truther, Dummies

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Of course, Macklemore could be a truther. It’s just that this tweet is no evidence of that when you read it in the context of his other tweet that day:

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If we must live in an era of clickbait character assassination, it behooves internet detective content aggregators to at least the get the story straight. I realize that BuzzFeed, Breitbart, Fox News, and “Twitchy" aren’t exactly brand names that connote diligence or factuality or basic competence. Nevertheless, in the future, please do a modicum of research instead of using your time to round up sassy tweets from boring nobodies to pad your non-article.

Bonus content: a mugshot of Macklemore from when he was 14. Yet another Virgil Texas Exclusive.

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15

Jan

Him Close Bridge

New Jersey Governor Crisp Crimby close bridge. Him close bridge to get vote for he election. He intimidate mayor of New Jersey, “some bridge, ha!” Cringe Crumpy is a bad man.

Cis Kirby say him aide close the bridge. “I unno,” he say when ask bridge. Porp Authority say bridge close traffic study. But no one study bridge. Bridge boring.

When bridge close car can’t go. “Honk honk! I have go Taco Bell! Get egg chalupo!” say car. But bridge gone because Crip Crosby do bad thing. No Taco Belp for Jersey.

Before bridge go Crick Kelly think he be President. Kip Corply possible rival happy see he struggle.

"Why him close bridge," say Florida Senator Marpu Rombo on TV.

"Let free market decide bridge go," say Kentucky Senator Ran Porp on radio.

"I think we need more leaders in Washington with the courage to stand for integrity," Texas Senator Ted Cruz told the American Spectator. "And in particular, Obamacare is not working."

Kiss Crelly say he sorry for him bridge close. “Bad bad, no,” him say. Will Jersey forgive Cork Cupsly? Time tell.

08

Dec

07

Nov

With National Novel Writing Month upon us again, I thought I’d share my ambitious project from last year. Thanks to the helpful folks on the NaNoWriMo message board, I was able to forego all that time-consuming “research” and “real life experience” that stuffy, boring novelists who “put more than one month’s work into their writing” are so obsessed with. Just drop by and make a few posts, and soon you’ll be able to write confidently about pretty much any topic you have no personal connection with or knowledge of, including:

and so much more.

Sadly, some fellow NaNos (not naming names) accused me of trolling. Despite a helpful moderator reminding everyone that ”there is no need to comment on the validity of the poster’s questions,” I became too discouraged by the abuse to continue my novel. Quite a shame, as I had planned a number of interesting twists, such as wayward teen Carmelo learning from a Wise Jazzman that African-Americans were once slaves, and Tyrone discovering magic make-up able to make his skin light enough for him to pass for a white person in normal society.

Hopefully this year will be different, as I work on my unauthorized sequel to Roots tentatively titled Black to Africa: The Bebop Cyberwar to Stop Kony.

Bonus Content: Another novel I began last year.

See Also: More brilliant NaNos from good internet guys boring_as_heck and Lowenaffchen.

24

Oct

A Dream Come True

21

Oct

11

Sep

FOR REAL, JIM DAVIS? “NATIONAL CHECK-YOUR-WALLET DAY?” FUCK YOU