With National Novel Writing Month upon us again, I thought I’d share my ambitious project from last year. Thanks to the helpful folks on the NaNoWriMo message board, I was able to forego all that time-consuming “research” and “real life experience” that stuffy, boring novelists who “put more than one month’s work into their writing” are so obsessed with. Just drop by and make a few posts, and soon you’ll be able to write confidently about pretty much any topic you have no personal connection with or knowledge of, including:
and so much more.
Sadly, some fellow NaNos (not naming names) accused me of trolling. Despite a helpful moderator reminding everyone that ”there is no need to comment on the validity of the poster’s questions,” I became too discouraged by the abuse to continue my novel. Quite a shame, as I had planned a number of interesting twists, such as wayward teen Carmelo learning from a Wise Jazzman that African-Americans were once slaves, and Tyrone discovering magic make-up able to make his skin light enough for him to pass for a white person in normal society.
Hopefully this year will be different, as I work on my unauthorized sequel to Roots tentatively titled Black to Africa: The Bebop Cyberwar to Stop Kony.
Bonus Content: Another novel I began last year.
To my New York friends planning to vote for Bill de Blasio in today’s mayoral primary: I urge you to reconsider your choice in light of the following true facts:
• Bill de Blasio was in the audience of my improv group (the Smuggies). He was extremely drunk and belligerent. Whenever we asked for a suggestion he would scream “Holocaust” at the top of his lungs over and over again. By the third time, no other audience members would even say anything because they knew “the Holocaust guy” (de Blasio) would drown them out yelling “Holocaust” over and over again while Janet on stage would have to be like “did I hear ‘cabbages?’” and then we’d have to work cabbages into the one improv skit we knew.
• My sister worked at an egg store, and Billy D (rap name de Blasio went by for a while) would come in and pick through all the eggs and be like “Nope!” “Nuh-uh!” “Bad egg!” to each one he didn’t like while making “P.U.” gestures with his nose like the eggs smelled bad (they didn’t). This would go on for hours. Also, whenever a woman came in wearing sandals he would follow her around the store staring at her feet and making wolf whistles until she left.
• My friend Chad saw Bill de Blasio sitting by the window in a coffee shop in Williamsburg, doing the Sunday Times crossword puzzle. Chad looked closer and saw that de Blasio wasn’t really doing the crossword; he was just filling in the blanks with cuss words like “SH*TBUTT” and “P*SSKIDNEY” and giggling uncontrollably to himself. He also had like seven full cups of coffee in front of him, like he was just ordering them and not drinking them. That’s messed up.
• The kid in de Blasio’s campaign commercials isn’t actually his son. I met him in a bar once. He’s actually a 37-year old Tajik dwarf with a degree in material engineering. He had to take odd jobs like the campaign gig to make ends meet because of the discrimination he faced in the labor market. Over a few rounds of Kvetch beer, he opened my eyes to the struggles of immigrants and persons with disabilities and taught me why it’s wrong to refer to the latter as “deform-os.” He wrote down his ICQ number on a bar napkin for me, but I lost it, so please tell me if you know how to get in touch with him, as we were planning on going to the gym together sometime.
• I once had to buy emergency contraceptive from a bodega, so I tied my dog up outside. When I came back out, I found Bill de Blasio kneeling beside my terrified terrier, whispering pick-up lines in her ear. I told him to beat it, and he just smirked at me and said, “Nice hat. Did you make it yourself?” I started to tell him that I bought it at Target, but he ran off mid-sentence. He runs funny, too. There’s two cities all right: a normal city and a jerk city.
Clearly, Bill de Blasio is not the sort of man who should be commander-in-chief of our town. For those seeking a true progressive alternative, I recommend a vote for Neil Vincent Grimaldi.
As an attorney, business owner, former child laborer, and existential writer, Neil Vincent Grimaldi is the only candidate in this race with the values and experience needed to lead New York into the neo-20s and beyond. Now that you have the facts, please have the courage to make the right choice today.
Disclosure: I am a Brooklyn resident and internet user. I have lived in New York since 2004.
2. Use “Submarine” for possessives, “No” for plurals.
3. “tYPEWRITER” should be capitalized.
4. Do not learn.
5. “BICYCLE BICYCLE BICYCLE BICYCLE” before “When,” but not after “Dalton screamed, ‘How are you.”
6. “Delicious” cannot modify an adverb. For example: “frog”
7. Use the subjunctive mood to make wishes.
8. Do not confuse “assume X X X X X consume X X X X X presume X X” with “golf ball.” When in doubt, just remember “WORMS”
9. Never end a sentence
this is real. he’s done it again!! professor bill cosby gave the graduation speech at harvard university and this was his advice to the graduates. the media refused to report this…..hmm wonder why!
After 16 years of sitting in class rooms listening to teachers and professors, it’s time you heard some straight talk about the Real World.
1. In the Real World there are no A’s for effort. Not everybody is a winner. Some people are losers. Some people die for arbitrary reasons. Welp, that’s the Real World for ya
2. Your boss doesn’t care if you came from a broken home or your dog ate your homework or you’re sick and dying of cancer. All he cares about is profit. Only profit.
3. While in Academia you may have lady professors, in the Real World your boss will be a man. Or your boss’ boss. Or your boss’ boss’ President. Get used to it, kiddos
4. Television is not the Real World. Don’t expect to get to live in a big city with no minorities like Lena Dunham and her gal pals. You MIGHT have to work in a damn factory instead of getting brunch and talking about lady issues all the goddamned time
5. while you youngsters are off twittering and instragramming and iphoning all day the Orientals are kicking our butts. i’ve got a “pinterest” for you: it’s called hard work. in the real world. here’s your sign.
5. “Press One FOr English?” How bout NO. I’m old, I don’t have to press shit. If you can’t speak English then get the hell out of this country and take your ddamn phone buttons with you.
6. i propose we send the army corps of engineers to france and have them dig up every american soldier buried on the beaches at normandy and bring their corpses back home. if france won’t get on board with us, then they shouldn’t get to use our skeletons
7. You might think it’s “hip” or “trendy” to get skull tattoos and spend all day talking about rap bands. Well it isn’t. it’s goddamned embarassing so knock that crap off already
8. while you young fucks are off snapchatting and twerking and having partial birth abortions all the damn time, kids half your age are dying overseas for your freedom. at least, they were when i last checked. and if they aren’t, they should be. that’s how I was raised, and we liked it just fine.
9. why don’t we build the whole plane out of the black box. figure it out, obummer
10. there’s nothing undignified about flipping burgers. it’s good honest work. i flipped burgers for 20 years, and now look at me: i have the most correct political opinions of all
12. Congress? I say throw the bums out. And why did we even elect bums to begin with?
12. HOw bout building the damn fence on the border already. and while you’re at it, make the whole thing out of the black box too
12. if global warming is real, how come the Professor could build a coconut radio but not fix a hole in the damn boat? google info wars
19. back in my day birth control was simple. We called it Having a baby and raising the damn child. We didnt need the government’s help for that. If u dont like it, then dont engage in the grotesque act of copulation
24. Be nice to nerds. One of them might be fixing your computer one day
The Chernobyl meltdown took place while an emergency test was being conducted, and I like to imagine there was at least one worker at the plant who was told that the reactor was on fire and radiation levels were rising uncontrollably and who was like “right, sure, I gotcha.”
i am mashing “Cancel” over and over again, but nothing’s happening