I Want To Go To Your Office Christmas Party: A Kraigslist Kristmas Klassic
Last Christmas I was feeling lonely, so I posted this ad on the Event Gigs section of Craigslist.
CL >new york >brooklyn >all gigs >event gigs
I Want To Go To Your Office Christmas Party (An office)
I’m Virgil, and I’m a Brooklyn resident. This time of year is always difficult for me, since I do not work in an office and thus do not get to attend an office Christmas party.
I have always dreamt of working in an office. Sitting in a big comfy chair, seeing the same friendly faces every day, gabbing with the office gossip about who’s sleeping with whom, engaging in the cutthroat chess game of office politics — these are just some of the great and carefree experiences I will never get to have. Yet towering above them all is that wonderful yearly tradition of the office Christmas party, an event where everyone can let their hair down and kick back with a few drinks and holiday cheer. What truths will be told? What illicit romances will take place? What mysteries will be revealed?
I have considered applying for an office job just so I can attend a Christmas party, but, as you probably know, the economy isn’t great for malcontents right now. That’s why I am asking you, a stranger, to invite me to your office party.
I will be a great office party guest. I will gladly and with ease discuss business-related matters with your co-workers: spreadsheets, industry trends, the stock market, the bulls, the bears, all of it. I will charm your boss with my sparkling wit and enthusiasm for employment. Your co-workers will begin to see you in a new light. They’ll ask, “Hey, who is that great guy with his enthusiasm for our office parties? Does he work here?” and you’ll be able to say with confidence, “No, he’s from the internet.”
You are probably apprehensive about inviting a total stranger to your office holiday party. What if he embarrasses you and causes you to miss out on the Big Promotion? Let me put your mind at ease with the following pledges I make to you:
* I have read several articles on CareerBuilder about the “do’s and don’t’s” of office holiday parties. I pledge to follow the do’s and avoid the don’t’s. For example, I will not make whoopee in the copy room. This is a major career killer, and I am seeking to emulate the career builders.
* I will not seduce your co-workers without your express permission. I cannot, however, guarantee they will not seduce me. That’s for you and them to work out.
* I will not use this opportunity to try to get a job. That would be crass. If your boss wants to offer me a job, that’s fine, but I’m not interested in an Office Job Fair, I’m interested in an Office Party. Partying in an office setting is Job One as far as I’m concerned.
* I have seen every holiday party episode of “The Office,” but I am willing to re-watch them to bone up on ideal office party behavior. But you have to provide the Netflix account.
* I will not drink too much. I intend to measure my drinking rate to match the median level of inebriation.
* I will not do drugs with any of your colleagues, unless they’re cool.
* I will not overstay my welcome. If I’m not making a great impression, I will promptly leave, no questions asked. If things are winding down, I’m not going to be “that guy” still sticking around. Also, if the party sucks, I’ll bounce.
* If there is a gift exchange, I will participate if invited to. I will bring a tasteful gift that abides by all applicable rules regarding monetary value. If I am not invited to participate, I will not try to finagle my way in. Just going to your office party is the only gift I’ll need.
Ideally, your office party will take place in an office in Manhattan or Brooklyn. I am not picky about what business your office conducts. Maybe it’s a publishing company that invites people into the magical world of reading. Maybe it’s a nonprofit. Maybe it’s a marketing firm. Maybe it’s one of the other things that I assume offices do. Bottom line: as long as it’s a party that takes place in an office, I’m there.
So what are you waiting for? Take that leap of faith and give me my “big break.” My schedule is pretty free next week. Wednesday night is out, but other than that I’m good.
- do NOT contact me with unsolicited services or offers