Esquire Theme by Matthew Buchanan

06

May

A Twitter follower, @Birdbassador, used my Yelp Post Office reviews in an academic presentation about sentiment analysis “as an example of where the stats make your reviews look ‘normal’ if you don’t let ppl read them.” Apparently, the sentiment analysis robot can’t figure out whether my reviews are positive or negative. In his words: “the subway review in particular is sentiment-wise statistically indistinguishable from the other reviews of that subway.” So basically my dumb Yelp reviews broke a writing analysis robot and made it flail its robot arms around and yell “ERROR ERROR.” Score one for humans!

You can read the Subway review in question here. It’s also still up on Yelp (most of the others were deleted — possibly by angry robots — so I mirrored them all here). You can also check out @birdbassador’s paper “Quantity Estimation in Visualizations of Tagged Text.”

26

Aug

My 1-star Yelp review of the Barstow, CA Subway sandwich shop

My pal Terry and I were taking an impromptu road trip to the envelope museum in Bakersfield to take our minds off our failed marriages when we stopped into this Subway location because we had just watched “Happy Gilmore” on Terry’s PSPVita and both of us were subbing fierce. The two of us had been to many Subway sandwich shops in multiple countries of the course of our rich lives, and never had we experienced such awful service.

We walked in the door and were immediately treated to loud animal yells over the radio. Some kid mopping up a puddle of Fanta told us it’s the only station they get on the radio, which I know was a lie because after we left we tuned in to Mike Huckabee’s folksy wit and wisdom on the AM dial. One of the sandwich artists, “Kanye,” was wearing sunglasses and dancing to the awful animal noises. The other was very obviously two children in a large overcoat pretending to be an adult. Terry ordered two twelve inch meatball subs while I tried communicate over the screams that I wanted an egg sub. I told Kanye I didn’t want anything else on it, but he whispered “YOLO dude” and smirked at me then put handful after handful of olives on my sub. When I complained to the manager, the manager said “you boys must not be from around here” and forced us to pay for the ruined subs and eat them. He also stole Terry’s GOURMET mustard he bought in Branson, MO and threw it in the trash and said we had to eat the awful Subway-brand mustard. He dumped the Subway mustard all over our subs and said we couldn’t leave until we ate the whole thing. He stood over our table with his arms crossed making disrespectful remarks like “eat it up” and “yum yum so good.” I told Terry we shouldn’t give him the satisfaction of seeing us cry, but that advice was too hard to live by. After we were done we hightailed it on out of there.

I don’t know what these other reviewers are talking about, but there are no “good times and lots of smiles” to be had at this awful Subway. It took literally hours of hugging to soothe our shaken nerves. My advice to the hungry traveler: if you want a great sub then get out of the “way” of this store and instead head over to the United States post office on Buenaventura Avenue, which has delicious pastrami sandwiches and two for one margaritas on Tuesdays.

(Click here to read more Yelp reviews of post offices)

11

Jun

My 1-star Yelp review of the Barstow, CA Subway sandwich shop

http://www.yelp.com/biz/subway-barstow-2#hrid:6gaDkGc6QYqgfIxmiLopsg

Awful SubwayMy pal Terry and I were taking an impromptu road trip to the envelope museum in Bakesfield to take our minds off our failed marriages when we stopped into this Subway location because we had just watched Happy Gilmore on Terry’s PSPVita and both of us had a fierce sub crave. We had been to many Subway sandwich shops in multiple countries of the course of our rich lives, and never had we experienced such awful service.

We walked in the door and were immediately treated to loud animal yells over the radio. Some kid mopping up a puddle of Fanta told us it’s the only station they get on the radio, which I know was a lie because after we left we tuned in to Mike Huckabee’s folksy wit and wisdom on AM radio. One of the sandwich artists, “Kanye,” was wearing sunglasses and dancing to the awful animal noises. The other was very obviously two children in a large overcoat pretending to be an adult. Terry ordered two twelve inch meatball subs while I tried communicate that I wanted an egg sub over the screams. I told Kanye I didn’t want anything else on it, but he whispered “YOLO dude” and smirked at me then put handful after handful of olives on my sub. When I complained to the manager, the manager said “you boys must not be from around here” and forced us to pay for the ruined subs and eat them. He also stole Terry’s GOURMET mustard we bought in Branson, MO and threw it in the trash and said we had to eat the awful Subway-brand mustard. He dumped the Subway mustard all over our subs and said we couldn’t leave until we ate it all up. He stood over our table to intimidate us with his arms crossed making disrespectful remarks like “eat it up” and “yum yum so good.” I told Terry we shouldn’t give him the satisfaction of seeing us cry, but that advice was too hard to live by. After we were done we hightailed it on out of there.

I don’t know what these other reviewers are talking about, but there are no “good times and lots of smiles” to be had at this awful Subway sandwich shop. It took literally hours of hugging to soothe our shaken nerves. My advice to the hungry traveler: if you want a great sub get out of the “way” of this store and instead head over to the United States post office on Buenaventura Avenue, which has great ribs and two for one margaritas on Tuesdays.

Read more Yelp reviews at http://virgiltexas.yelp.com

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